By D O’Negal
At a sumptuously appointed press conference today, held in his villa in Cap Ferrat, His Grace, The Duke of Rosses, Pat the Cope Gallagher announced his candidacy for the forthcoming general elections.
The Duke, resplendent in the finest Chinese silks and wearing a golden turban that once belonged to the last Ottoman Emperor, regaled an audience flown in on his private jet. After local press dignitaries bathed his feet in chrism oil and he had received the necessary tributes his Grace clapped his hands and a retinue of servants appeared from the wings with the finest delicacies from around the world prepared by his Graces blind Abyssinian chef Thanrgo . The audience, reclined on Persian cushions whilst The Duke charmed them from a raised marble dais covered in snow leopard and Siberian tiger skins.
He giggled when asked what he thought were his chances in Donegal south west, and while sipping a most appealing pinot gris given to him by The Baron de Rothschild, assured us that “the election was merely a tawdry formality” and that “one had to go through with these things, for appearances sake”.
His Grace, known throughout the hemisphere for his entertaining and love of fine dining was most excited with the thought of a return to Dublin, remarking that L’Ecrivain had poached a sublime young chef from Paul Bocuse who had been blending his own truffle oil since he was a child, and “who could do things with lamb and goats cheese that would make a jesuit cry”.
Puffing gently on a bejewled hookah The Duke assured us that he would reclaim his birthright, and that his beloved subjects democratic tantrum would be forgiven, with the minium of bloodshed, which “if necessary, is always regretted”